Thoughts of life
Sheez.. Sheez.. Guess what I'm back for sme reflection. Although I very much hate coming back. Fucking irritated by myself. Once again I gave in to the pessimist and i pretty much hate myself for that. But I thought I shld go thru this again. To get things over and move on.
After I got the news of Edwin's death, my mind went blank. I felt helpless. However during the whole period of Edwin's death, I smehow convinced myself that it wasnt of sme big shit. Cause his mum would need more support than I do. So I thought all I could do was to be there to share her sorrows and not to make things even sadder? Guess she would need that.
Everything went fine. Until I received news that Edwin's mum tried commiting suicide. Being she's the reason i held on to myself, i finally broke down. I felt weak and tired. I too need consolation. But I couldn find any. Didn want to bother anyone abt this not even my family. I mean what can they do even after I told them? they dont even know edwin. Okay lets feel sad together?? So i thought i would manage it myself. So much so that I start drifting frm everyone for not being understanding(but dey noe nth abt the death). Ridiculous? yeah i agree. But I dunno why too. Just tot it would be the best way out. Escaping.
Until superman came to the rescue.(dated:6/2/06)
Human.. Human complicating creatures. You wanted friends but you "xian" them when you expect more of them. You seek attention when you are neglected. You can nvr get enough abt yourself, always so greedy and expecting what ppl can give you. But for once have you ever have anything to offer than your temper and endless expectations?
Interaction with you has been tough. I find it hard to communicate with you. When we are talking/debating abt things, and i try to offer my suggestions and thoughts, all you could do is bullshiting and crap and simply forget and didn wish to bother abt the topic esp when you cant talkout. Sth i dun get, you are a highly intelligent creature compared to the other beasts and animals living in the world. But you just seem so unreachable and hard to understand. True you are educated but the more educated you are, the harder it is to understand you and the more complex you get to me. Well at least that is what i think. I believe that because you are well-educated, you tend to be aware and afraid of what you are losing out and what you are gaining. In short, calculative. It made u, a selfish creature. Forgetting what education had taught you - selflessness. You become what you are not educated to become.
Now you become wary of urself. Knowing what creature you are going to become. You got scared and tried to hide/change. You felt guilty and sorry for what you had done. And felt remorseful but helpless. You decided to make a pact with yourself. One that will only be known to you, buried deep in ur heart. For better it may become, you kept ur fingers crossed. Hoping that no one will be known of ur bad deeds and prayed that all the bad deeds would be removed and forgotten from you. I asked myself, What are you? The human in me just have no replies.. .... (dated:18/1/06)
Adults.. Adults.. I'm an adult already. N pretty much still cant adapt to the fact. The fact dat for the past 20plus yrs.. whenever i'm on travelling, bus or mrt.. everytime when i see NS guys in no4(army uniforms) dey are always older den me.. n sort of.. enjoyed e feeling.. e feeling dat haha dey are losers lar.. having to suffer e shit in army. But now, the whole perspection changed.. now e NS guys i see are younger den me.. hmm.. i dunno how to explain lar.. it's like u have been a kid for so long den all e sudden u are growing so fast e least u expected..
Esp during these times, when i'm clearing my offs n leaves n staying home. I got the opportunity to noe my family members more. N man i'm really missing out a lot. Lots of things changed for e past yrs n i've yet took notice until now. Coz i seldom spent so much time at home.
During poly times, fun n laughter brought it across e time.. spent w my friends.. e time i spent at home would only be w my computer or tv set.. or it would be my parents are alreadi asleep. My bros would be out. Everyone's occupied w their own stuff.
Den after poly came NS. Where e time i spent at home would be even lesser.. only on wkends. Time spent would be w my NS friends lor.. n sme of my buddies.. Even on wkends, it would be going out to enjoy esp after 5working days.. only recent.. when i took a closer look at my family members..
my mum, she looked older.. wrinkles came crawling out compared to e young looking skin i used to see.. voice got weaker n health arent getting any much better.. but she's still supporting the house n doing houseworks. Houseworks nvr seems able to be done. It's kindda heart piercing to see the scene. She alreadi did a lot.. so now all i could do is helped out w her housework. If possible when i stepped out of the society, mayb it's time we get a maid. Smetimes when i tried to push money to her she would say... "bu yong lar... guay jiu hao" haha... smehow annoys me but bring tears rolling.. haha..
My dad, too looked older... though i nvr much liked him. but... i'm slowly getting to understand his situation as a dad. pretty much sure dat nobody likes his own son to dislike him so..
My eldest bro.. hmm.. he's been e same. temper still as bad. hmm.. working w dad.. no idea. Very much wanted to work outside. As an independent but taking e expectations of my dad to takeover his business.. all i could wish him is all e best. n hope dat he would enjoy watever line he's going into.
my elder bro.. he.. sigh.. still as useless as me. haha.. hmm.. now skooling. Could only hope dat he could do well n get a good job. n not always live in his lovely dovely world.(dated:9/10/05)
Finally a turn... finally.. I'm beginning to see a lightway to the turn in my life. Nope i've yet got to the turn yet. Just not yet. But what i can gurauntee now is that things are starting to turn fine for me. Yes. Finally. This feeling's been with me for e past wk. It's complexing. My mind's starting to accept things in a more positive way.. n smehow things tat used to matter to me... dun seems to lift a finger on me now... It's a whole new attitude to life. N it's going to be good..! =)
Although it's only been 22yrs of life dat i had been walking, well i cant say it's short. But sure it becomes a learning lesson for me.. n there's more to expect frm the oncoming years. The stress i'm going to face in my work, studies.. relationships.. n blah blah.. So experiences gained frm my immature yrs and the time wasted for those yrs.. which i dun cherish, i'm going to make a COMEBACK!!! hahahaha... like real.. it's time to get serious.. (dated:9/10/05)
Another memo.. back again.. got more to add on.
Those who think indiffer of what i think i am, i dun care. Find no need to bother abt their thinkings, cme on everyone have their own thinking so.. who am i to care. Unless you are a very close friend to me n i feel dat you misunderstood me lor. the more dey think i indiffer, e more i act e way they think of me(unless you pissed me..). Or just simply act normal.. wont go to e extend to explaining myself.. No point. Only finding trouble. Just have to see it urself.. if u dun, i can only say i'm sorry(if that's what you want to hear).(dated: 8/7/05)
A memo to remind myself.. hmm.. you noe what, i really hate it when i have to update this Thoughts.of.Life. Coz it's always usually when i've deep thoughts dat i cant seems to get it solved dat needed to be corrected or just sth bad.. to keep myself reminded.. So here i am again.. To get myself untangled frm watever dat's bothering me now..
Currently am back frm a usual drive out w/ hui. Sth dat we just cant miss doing it every week. It's becoming sme routine for me dat e whole body just dun feel right not going out for a spin. Anyways, this isnt what i want to say in this entry. So all this while what am i driving at? All i want is to remind myself to always think positive towards things.. Be it it's good or bad.
True, i'm not in good terms w/ my big brother n dad, but there's nothing i can do, they are still one of my closest relative..
I find e ppl i see almost everyday of my life fucked up.. well it's just the way they do things, i've no right to change them or force them to do things mine way. They might also not be happy w e way i do things too..
ppl might react different w what i expect.. n may be ugly or doesnt feel nice? just step back.. n think in their shoes.. they might just might have the reason behind in doing watever dey react
all in all just think positive.(dated: 6/7/05)
Past tense to be..? Let bygones be bygones. There's no point crying over spilled milk. These are e words i would recite when i feel messed up. N i'm currently am. Things i really hope to share but i just find it hard to. Couldn find anyone to spill all my thoughts to n wont feel tat anyone would lend me a listening ear not to say try to understand how i feel.. but myself. After a good drive, here i am.
1st thing 1st. Family. Things looks normal as it appears. My parents are still talking n yelling at each other. That sort of appears normal to me now. Dad's still sitting on e couch not making any move but blinking his eyes n getting dem glued on e tv set n chewing his mouth. Mums still nagging abt e friends i make. I know her concerns n feel her worries. For e current situation, i did find no point explaining myself furthur. Action proves louder than words. I'll just keep e promise i gave.
2nd. Relationships. Am not in the mood for these now. I'm already struggling to get myself out of troubles n am not going to start digging my grave. Especially w/ ppl who's arent suppose to be involved. Nvr like e idea of making ppl worry about me. or worry w/ me. Just stay out of this now.
3rd. Friends. Really wished they knew.
4th. "Friends". Met up w/ my old "friends" recently. Which is today. Nvr thought we could meet up again. Things are e usual. Everyone's e same. Had lotsa fun w/ dem. No idea why.. i know it's bad to get back w/ dem but smehow i could find myself w/ dem. I feel more of myself. More relaxed. No worries.. No nothing. E feeling dey gave me was different.. i dun feel looked down n i dun feel alone compared to my friends. They gave me a feel of my existance in their life. a feel of assurance n prescence. I know what i'm doing. I shall not let myself offend e same mistake.
5th. Myself. A total freak. A name i did call myself. I nvr liked myself. (dated:20/03/05 - 02:32am)
Things i tot i've known.. There are many things dat i often tot i've known n i've seen.. often so much so dat i turn out to be overlooking at stuff.. so wat are the things dat i'm mentioning?? that's wat i'm going to talk abt now... hmm.. it's almost been natural for me to evaluate the ppl around me let alone my family n friends.. so much so dat i didn know i overdid it until tonite. you may have asked.. "Why e evaluation? Why go through all e trouble?" hmm.. wat i can tell u honestly is.. i've yet found an answer to it.. mayb i just want to protect myself.. or mayb it's just so plain dat i wan to know e specific person more.. dat's y i evaluate..dunno.. really no idea.I mean dont you guys evaluate e ppl around you too? touch ur heart n ask urself.. it's just so that i showed n said it out.. So all e while in my living 22yrs.. it's always been so normal for me until just now... my friend smehow enlightened me w/ tis questions.. which in turn got me sorted out.. he asked.. "You always evaluate e ppl around u.. but have u ever evaluated urself"? sth like dat lar.. upon hearing e question, i was stunned for a sec... n couldn give him an answer..
Have i evaluated myself?? haha.. tis question has been pondering in my mind throughout e whole drinking session.. thinking.. n thinking n i came laughing n smiling at myself.. y? coz i failed in my own evaluation. Joke rite.. so frm dat point onwards.. i'll just try to stop evaluating ppl.. n try to know dem more instead.. there are also stuff.. things dat i tot dat i've long known became totally diff frm wat i initially thought.. things dat i've overlooked.. minor minor stuff dat had caused misunderstandings to happen.. it's just amazing how complicated a human brain can be..n how deceiving e appearance can be.. giving an example.. often i give tots to wat my friends say abt me.. n deduce n evaluated e sayings... smehow.. smetimes.. it just came so dat i misunderstood their meanings.. n tot dat wat i deduce was true n was how dey think abt me... but now when i step back n think.. it's just lame.. my whole evaluation thing.. doesnt work well.. arr.. dunno wat to say lar.. getting too tired.. ahahaa... now a diff approach dat i'm going to develop.. try not to read too much into lines.. into wat ppl say... n say out watever stuff u dun feel happy abt(dated:6/3/05).
Just a thought.. A temper noticeably irritable. My temper. Noticed that my temper's getting out of my hands recently. Or shld i say these few mths. So irritating that i wont be surprised if my friends will start to leave me. hahaha. being a little sadistic eh.. SEE?? this is wat i mean.. out of no where i start to become this depressing guy n get easily pissed off by little minor stuff. Man i really need a break frm all these. It will really help if i am to be left alone n untouched for a day. Or even half a day. That's all that i ask for. No idea where all the troubles cme frm.. my family? or it's just me getting an excuse to get attention? or is it me tired of being e mr nice guy? Or i'm just getting crazy!!?! Argghh!!! whatever it is, it just sucks. It really do. A quick look back at my character in e past.. Been a really normal guy since young. This playful, helpful n active kiddo who just run around like nobody's business.. but changed to this reckless, bad tempered, loner kid when i get older n gone thru stuff.. stuff that tot me being nice wont get me surviving in this society?? dat's y been thru fights n little not to mention gangs.. during secondary days. Sec one only.. which brought a lot of troubles to my parents. That get them quarelling over me. Then a change in my character again. haha...
Me.. e libra.. "Someone who can be so depress n unstable. Up n down like he is trying to balance himself most of the time. To many people, he is a friendly guy and always smiles even when he is mad or up set. His voice is always gentle and calm. Libra man is lazy by nature. After his tired day at work, he likes to sit still and just look out of the window or read quietly. He likes to be in his own world. After recharging his battery, he will be very energetic again and may even take you out that night. Libra man normally will not do any shocking or abnormal things to be noticed. He likes to be conformed with his crowd, but if you watch him carefully, you will see the different. If he wears a shirt, it will have to be a zipper front instead of buttons, or a special tie bar. There is always something in him that he will not allow totally conformity to take him over. A straight forward, no non-sense guy. He is careful and delicate in details. He will spent extra time to doing it right, than comes back to correct them later. He hates people who boost, or exaggerate. He does not like over dressed woman or make herself a center of an attention. He loves to read. He loves poems and loves art. When he works he can work like crazy, but after work he can turn on romantic jazzy music and treat you so gently. He loves to give people advice and normally give a good advice. If you fall for him, you will stay like being trapped in a spider web. If you want to break up with him, he will persuade you a zillion ways to stay and you can not stop him anyway. After he persuade you to stay, or after a big fight, he will be so sweet to you as if he has never hurt your feeling before ever. He will has his own way to win a girl love and affection. Once she says yes, he will lay back and wonder if he should go on or if he should back out. In his teen, he changed many girl friends because he can not clearly separate loving a friend and loving a girl friend. He will check and re-check if his match is suitable and compatible with him. He hates to argue by yelling at each other, so you tend to see him just sitting there quietly when the other guy's yelling at him. When you see him he argue with his girl friend seriously but try at best to be very quiet. He likes to have a girl friend by getting to know each other like a friend first. If you want him, you have to like the same thing he does. He prefers a pretty and gentle woman than a smart and ugly woman. You have to understand his mood especially he can has many different moods. He is a private person, so when he needs to be alone better let him be. "
Errr.. back to my character change... so after i get my parents quarreling over me.. n other stuff.. my mum told me.. n taught me, my parents have to wake up very early for a period of time while i was sleeping... dey went out to e ministry of education... gone dere to find sme big shot.. in turn to get me into a new skool so dat i can continue my studies.. everyday dere to plead... damn.. so i turned to e quiet, low profile guy.. n only had little few close friends.. But to me it's sufficient. It's always better to have few close friends than a billion of friends.. That's what i think lar.. Just a tot frm myself. then.. as i start to get use to this character i'm upbringing, i start to open more as i get to poly. where i find more close friends.. friends hard to find.. esp for e three yrs we been thru together.. It's nvr easy to find friends who will stick by u. So treasure them i will. Then i become this happy go lucky cheerful guy who carries a crazy look on his face.. haha.. This character's w/ me until e very ending of my BMT days.. e days where my parents start to have dispute over sme stuff... Where i finally had my showdown w/ my dad.. ahah.. wat a word. Nvr had a close relationship w/ my dad since small. Just couldn get along well.. So showdown there was... n my character changes again.. haha.. this time.. slowly.. not dat drastic. slowly changes as i couldn let go.. Then.. to the present me.. the temperamental me.. E crazy me.. e me dat i trying to change n trying to accomodate to... Well.. be it it's good or bad, dey eventually will come to an end..
Pause and ponder.. There's this chinese saying "Every family has it's own unreadable story". It's true, at least for me it is. Sorry, I would not disclosed anything. Read above unreadable story. Yah? My friends often see me as a guy with the perfect family, peaceful and doting. Yeah yeah, what do they know. They know nuts are from trees, that's all. I don't blame them. Cause only few of my closer friends know about my family. It's not something to be boast of you know. Sometimes I wish I could just don't be bothered about these adults' stuff. Mum, you often complain that I seldom stay home to accompany you. True. This I admit. But it's just that this is not the family I wish to spend time with when I come back from camp. This also explains why sometimes I'd just stay out so late so that I can get some peace at home when everyone's finally asleep. That's why sometimes I look so happy when I can finally book in back in camp again and that's why sometimes when I'm home, I'd rather face the computer the whole day.
But I can't, I'm part of the family and very much I still want to continue this not very peaceful family I have. I don't feel good always staying out of my house and not being able to go home. It's my family and it's where I grew up from. FUCK, but what can I do? Please teach me how. Other than handling tissues and yelling back at my dad.. I'm just so useless. DUMB. I know it's selfish to ask you not to give up but like what I've always said you are just normal human being, no superwoman. Just help yourself when you want. I'll always stand by ur decision, no matter what it is.
Trust Masks.. It's funny how ppl react when dey face different ppl.. esp in e current high competitive world.. ppl tend to wear a "mask" on their face.. to protect their butt.. it's essential for one to survive in this society.. n dat's y its rather tough to find smeone whom u could completely hav trust or faith in.. Trust is defined as the knowledge that the other person will not take unfair advantage of one...either deliberately or accidentally...consciously... or unconsciously.. it's also built between two people when one is convinced that the other is both motivated and competent enough to sustain the relationship. "In the absence of trust, anything you do for me, I consider manipulation."(Schmuck, 1988). This sentence very much suits me n expresses wat i feel.. It's difficult to trust anyone.. dat's y dere's a hidden window inside everyone of us.. a window where only secrets n stuff dat u only would share w/ urself.. stuff dat u wont share w/ ppl unless u get total trust.. but once one stuff himself w/ too much secrets or trouble to himself, mental problems come.. u feel depressed and sad.. n feel unmotivated..
Lik everyone.. i do wear "masks" too.. tis explains y strangers see me as a shy n quiet good guy.. haha whom i'm actually not..i dun trust dem..n cant share stuff w/ dem.. so would put up a cold front for dem to backout.. n only after dey tried to understand n know me.. will i treat dem as my friend.. but again my friends often see me w/ my smiling face n crazy attitude w/ lots of nonsense.. dat's a side of me dat most of my friends see.. only few seen e hidden side of myself.. e side where i shed n hurt n got rebellious.. often i asks myself.. "y hide things behind my back.. y not just show everyone the whole of urself?" n nvr could get an answer.. it's very torturing when u feel down n cant find e right person to talk u down.. just feel so fucked up.. but e tot of dat if i were to share my hidden side w/ my friends.. would dey ever understand? would dey still stand by me or would dey leave? n most importantly how would dey feel?? hav i mistrust dem or r dey worthy of my trust? ... haha.. think i stop here for now.. or else i will go into depression sia.. wat to do life just sucks..
Labels: Overall
soowei noted at 1:00 PM
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