Depression
Monday, August 13, 2007
Have you ever thought of committing suicide before? I’m not sure if anyone has ever thought of it and even if they do, they might having some sort of depression. I do give a thought about it every now and then. I’ve always imagine myself jumping from the ledge of a tall building and then hitting the hard concrete. My skull would probably crack, my legs and hands would be twisted in such a way that it’s beyond the limits of anatomical boundaries. To tell truth whenever I give a thought of it, I could actually feel the pain like as if I’m doing it for real. I could come up with many different ways to end my life, like swallowing pills, drinking detergent, burnt myself alive and few other macabre ways. But I know that committing suicide is a sin, well supposedly there is such things as a sin, so I didn’t dare to do it.
So every morning whenever I'm crossing the road, I would hope that an oncoming vehicle would knock me down and hopefully I'll be dead(I'd prefer to die in a quick no hassle death then to choose a slow, torturing and heart wrenching death esp everyone come crying to you when you're already at your deathbed. Pls. dat's the last thing i dun need). Of course for that to happen, I would have to just stand in the middle of the road for about 5secs and wait for the vehicle to knock me down. Still like i said, I wouldn't have the balls to do so. That explains why I'm here. I'm giving my respects to the people who dares to commit suicide and died(ps: trying to bite your tongue isn't considered as commiting suicide. PLEASE hor). I really do. It takes tons of courage to do so. I'm such a loser.
I'm not sure if I'm suffering from depression but it's possible. My angst in me is probably eating me up right now and it's affecting my physical expression too. Strangers who know me for the first time will probably think that I've a don't-bother-me kind of look. Seriously I’m keen to make new friends but because of the way I compose myself, people would think that I’m unfriendly. Which happens a lot anyway.. like i care. I am who I am online or offline and I mean whatever that comes out of my mouth. No hidden agendas. So if you like it, it's good. If you don't, you can jolly well fuck off. Yeah and I don't understand why some people can be so pretentious of their actual thoughts/feelings. It's pathetic.
For those who have no idea of my family tree, here it is. I've 2 elder brothers and 2 parents. Making a family of 5, including yours truly.
My elder brother. He's the kind of brother who would off the fan and close the window while you're still sleeping soundly like a baby. Making you wake up in sweat. And when you tried to screw him, he gave a lousy excuse saying he's trying to save electricity. Because he's currently a freeloader in the family now, he doesnt wake up early for no particular reasons. But he would always make it a point to wake up 5mins after you wake up. and uses the toilet when you are still preparing to get to bathe. TO SHIT!! Making you late for work. I suppose he enjoys torturing my life. That's why whenever he gets me fuming mad that I would imagine at least 5 different ways of killing him.
My second brother. He's currently missing now. Yes MIA. Since 1st August. Making my mother crying everyday. Yes I do console my mum and I do that everyday. So if you can imagine, you're working, your mother calls you and you hear her crying loudly over the phone. Your heart will wrench.. literally. It's unexplainable. Esp when there's nothing you can do. So after work, you would always make a point to rush your way home to accompany your mother. Esp when your eldest brother is uselessly just hiding in his room, being bo chup. Even when your mother tries to commit suicide. He would just BO CHUP. In summary, he's just a block of wood taking up space in the family. You got home and just when you are hoping to get some rest, your mum would come crying to you again. It just never ends. Imagine this cycle repeating for 2wks plus till now. What would you do!??? My patience's running out. How would you feel if your mum tells you that she want's to jump off the building to bring your brother back? Esp when you are the one who would prefer to be the one jumping. Anyway, my point is, no matter how hard i tried to console my mum, a single word from my eldest brother "Shut up", can simply sent my mum to bed. How amazing.. I'm tired. But noone else really understands. Not even the closest friends. Though they gave support, but it doesn't last long enough for me to get through each day.
So every morning whenever I'm crossing the road, I would hope that an oncoming vehicle would knock me down and hopefully I'll be dead(I'd prefer to die in a quick no hassle death then to choose a slow, torturing and heart wrenching death esp everyone come crying to you when you're already at your deathbed. Pls. dat's the last thing i dun need). Of course for that to happen, I would have to just stand in the middle of the road for about 5secs and wait for the vehicle to knock me down. Still like i said, I wouldn't have the balls to do so. That explains why I'm here. I'm giving my respects to the people who dares to commit suicide and died(ps: trying to bite your tongue isn't considered as commiting suicide. PLEASE hor). I really do. It takes tons of courage to do so. I'm such a loser.
I'm not sure if I'm suffering from depression but it's possible. My angst in me is probably eating me up right now and it's affecting my physical expression too. Strangers who know me for the first time will probably think that I've a don't-bother-me kind of look. Seriously I’m keen to make new friends but because of the way I compose myself, people would think that I’m unfriendly. Which happens a lot anyway.. like i care. I am who I am online or offline and I mean whatever that comes out of my mouth. No hidden agendas. So if you like it, it's good. If you don't, you can jolly well fuck off. Yeah and I don't understand why some people can be so pretentious of their actual thoughts/feelings. It's pathetic.
For those who have no idea of my family tree, here it is. I've 2 elder brothers and 2 parents. Making a family of 5, including yours truly.
My elder brother. He's the kind of brother who would off the fan and close the window while you're still sleeping soundly like a baby. Making you wake up in sweat. And when you tried to screw him, he gave a lousy excuse saying he's trying to save electricity. Because he's currently a freeloader in the family now, he doesnt wake up early for no particular reasons. But he would always make it a point to wake up 5mins after you wake up. and uses the toilet when you are still preparing to get to bathe. TO SHIT!! Making you late for work. I suppose he enjoys torturing my life. That's why whenever he gets me fuming mad that I would imagine at least 5 different ways of killing him.
My second brother. He's currently missing now. Yes MIA. Since 1st August. Making my mother crying everyday. Yes I do console my mum and I do that everyday. So if you can imagine, you're working, your mother calls you and you hear her crying loudly over the phone. Your heart will wrench.. literally. It's unexplainable. Esp when there's nothing you can do. So after work, you would always make a point to rush your way home to accompany your mother. Esp when your eldest brother is uselessly just hiding in his room, being bo chup. Even when your mother tries to commit suicide. He would just BO CHUP. In summary, he's just a block of wood taking up space in the family. You got home and just when you are hoping to get some rest, your mum would come crying to you again. It just never ends. Imagine this cycle repeating for 2wks plus till now. What would you do!??? My patience's running out. How would you feel if your mum tells you that she want's to jump off the building to bring your brother back? Esp when you are the one who would prefer to be the one jumping. Anyway, my point is, no matter how hard i tried to console my mum, a single word from my eldest brother "Shut up", can simply sent my mum to bed. How amazing.. I'm tired. But noone else really understands. Not even the closest friends. Though they gave support, but it doesn't last long enough for me to get through each day.
Labels: Grumble
soowei noted at 11:30 PM
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